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Aug. 31st, 2010

Murdered

You're shooting stars... from the barrel of your eyes.

It's 3:30am. I've been super tired for most of the night, especially during my Information Management class, but I don't wanna mess up my sleep cycle even with having the night off. I'll be going to bed soon, but I really wanted to post an update.

All these changes happened in about a few days time... moving in, starting school, spending a ridiculous amount of money on stuff for the apartment, school, and bills. Not that I'm complaining, I'm just surprised how fast it all fell into place. Maybe this was a good thing after all. =) I haven't fallen into a good schedule yet, I really should work on that and set a certain time for sleeping, waking, blah blah... I just hate that my work shifts and school classes alternate midnights and regular nights. It gets tiresome, and I haven't been feeling very refreshed when I get up in the... morning/afternoon. I'm hoping my body just needs to adjust, but I'm suffering in classes because of it. I read in an article that taking a warm shower before bead will help you get better quality sleep... maybe I'll try that instead of when I wake up.

My birthday weekend is coming up sooooon! I am so excited. =) Going to The Chamber on Friday and then a karaoke birthday party that my mom and aunt are throwing for me at my aunts bar! ^_^ I'm truly excited. I can't believe I'm going to be 21 already! I'm gonna turn my I.D. sideways! xD

My dad wanted to call me on my birthday at my grandma Carol's house around 7pm, but I don't think I can make it. We'll probably be leaving around 9pm and I really never cared for his mother. Still, I wish I could talk to him. I'm sad I haven't been writing to him or have been written to for a while. I'll have to send him a letter about my birthday... I wish I could set up my cell phone so that I could talk to him. I hate that they can only set up prison calls to land lines. I miss him.

Anyway, I've still got so much to do with very little time during the day to do so. I've barely been able to do much laundry, I'm just busy. I still have boxes to unpack, clothes to put away... blah blah. I still have to upload some of that Cafe Del Mar Lucian put on my external hard drive. I'm excited for that!

Bed time. <3

Aug. 12th, 2010

Murdered

I Can See the Day Turning Bright...

these are the last few remaining days of living at my mom's house, and i've got to say I'm both nervous and extremely happy. Moving in to the apartment seems like its going to do so much good for me once I adjust. I'll be closer to work and local things that I go to, i'll save a ton of gas, I can start eating clean again and cooking from home, I'll have privacy and a room, I'll save money easier, I'll be closer to my friends... sigh. I'm literally so excited that even more good things are floating through my head that I can't get them out fast enough.

Graham is excited. Even Sam is excited. I'm so happy! I have a friend who is pulling some strings to help get Sam into Sheetz as well, and tonight he told me that their midnight guy is leaving so their going to have to hire somebody! he's putting in a recomendation for her and wants her to call tomorrow. I'm so happy for her, I hope she at least gets an interview.

Everybody is getting super fed up with my talk about losing weight, and its true... its extremely annoying. Honestly, I wanna forget the entire issue of me losing weight. Maybe I should just never walk in front of mirrors? xD Right now, its almost too hard to do much about it with constantly being in different places all the time. Though, I've been doing well with eating better, but i need more stability and variety of home cooked items in my diet. I know it would help me improve, because I went through that before.

I almost feel like my my struggles with weight are based on a placebo effect. What if i'm really just getting/looking fat because I'm making myself think that? Maybe if I stop stressing about it, then the problem would go away on its own. I really wish it were that easy. Its as if I'm too obsessed with my weight and body. Its driving me insane and I desperately need to find away to stop dwelling on it so much. Maybe I need help. =/

Aug. 7th, 2010

Murdered

Subject. Verb. Agreement.

Update update update. I want to update.

Except... every time I get on the computer and pull up Livejournal, I hit writer's block.

Especially now, since Sam is sitting next to me at the table, playing MY Pokemon Silver game on MY DSi with the volume full blast...

I hate to be the person that can only get int writing again by just... recapping the day. Buuuttt... I think I'm going to end up being that person. I apologize in advance for my grammatical errors I keep trying to correct along the way. Since I've been using my Cliq, it has a lot of auto features on my phone that already adds in apostrophes and capitalization. Strangely, I keep confusing the comma key with the apostrophe key... o_O

I have become so obsessed with the thoughts of me needing to lose weight that I think I'm actually causing myself to keep weight on. I hate writing about this, but if it helps, then I can't help that. I believe a lot of it is also stress, which I'm hoping to ease veerryyy soon, or at least find a better outlet to help me sift through it. I've been feeling very guilty when I feel hungry and especially after I eat, regardless what it is. This is an unhealthy habit, and I need to break this really soon. Hopefully, though I really hate betting everything on this change, moving into this apartment will save me a lot of stress, time and money. Thinking about it, it's the best possible thing I can think of, but betting everything on that same situation still seems faulty to me. Life is about living and learning, in any case.

I finally got to see Inception today! Though, I'm not a very big Leonardo DiCaprio fan, nor have ever been especially since the "heart throb" appeal of his roll in the Titanic, I really really enjoyed the whole dreaming aspect of the movie. It's nice to finally see a movie portraying something I often think about on a day to day basis, including discussions with others about the possibilities of dream jumping before I knew ANYTHING about this movie. It totally blew my mind. Also, that Ellen Page's totem was a chess piece and it reminded me of the dream I had several months ago and discussed with Carla at work, but stupid me, never wrote the damned dream down, so most people won't believe it. I have never watched even a trailer on Inception, the only thing I knew about it was that "It involves dreams" that Sam said to me, but my dream went as followed:

I was standing in a large banquet room composed entirely of dark wood flooring ceiling, and pillars. Large windows covered every wall, but there was no door that I could see from where I was standing. The dusk sky outside of the windows looked a deep shade of blue, still accented with some sort of lighting, whether it be the sun or moon. There room was full of guests, but I just watched them and thoughts poured into my mind, as if someone was explaining to me exactly what the dream world is. It explained that when a person dreams, it's as if they're hosting a party subconsciously, creating their own atmosphere and settings, and other sleeping individuals can enter the dream and become apart of that, which explains why you can never recall who the people are in your dream. It also explained that when a person brings an item from their own subconscious into another host subconscious setting and the host awakens, all of the people are disbursed from the room, and the objects are left behind. At that moment, I couldn't remember if I had really woken up and went back to sleep, or if it was still the dream, but when I was back in the banquet room after waking, everyone was gone, but there was a tiny object on the floor. I picked it up, and it was a simple black chess pawn encased in a tiny plastic bag, perfectly fitting its size.

Then I officially woke up. I'm sure it was just a coincidence, and when I had explained it to Carla some months back, I exclaimed I must have developed the dream based on the series "The Lost Room", but combining both the aspect of dream sharing and the chess piece when I never knew anything about them until tonight as I watched the movie is just strange. I definitely brings my attention to other things. Dreams are one of the most fascinating things I think a human being can undergo, especially when you can experience them in such extreme conditions such as that portrayed in Inception. It reminds me of when I was young and was so fascinated with the thought of being able to fly just with mind power. I would constantly dream of flying, and the feeling was unlike any feeling I had ever experienced in reality. I would often wake up and feel so sad because I thought I really flew, or floated more so, and could remember that strange feeling that I still have never felt. Even the bad ones, which were often, where I was too afraid I'd lose control and hit trees or float too high, the feeling was still shocking and leaving an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach after waking.

...Anyway. At least I found a decent topic to update about! Now off to bed.

Jul. 25th, 2010

Murdered

I've missed you.

I remember how good it felt to write out my feelings. Even in my extreme and failed attempts at writing legitimately as fast as I can process thoughts, at least it was an escape at venting my thoughts and concerns without that dark feeling in the back of my skull that I'm either boring or pushing someone away with it. I have only been able to talk in true conversational form comfortably with one true friend, but it's never as perfect as writing, because there is no recorded evidence for me to look over who I was and how I felt. I used Livejournal through most of my entire high school years, and even though I drifted a lot over the years following' I always made an attempt to revisit and update little segments here and there. If only I had more time this evening to write more, I would continue on, but there is no time because I have to get ready for work.

Lolz.

<3

Mar. 6th, 2010

Murdered

First Diet and Exercise Blues of the Month. =(

As a full time student and waitress, I'm finding it hard to keep consistently counting calories. Not so much counting them, but actually tracking them. I find the nutrition tracker to be rewarding and beneficial, but also it can be quite tedious and difficult in a restricted time frame. I will continue using the nutrition tracker as I find time, but other than that, I will just be monitoring my intake my checking out the Nutritional Facts as well as the Nutritional Facts menus at dine in facilities. I have been keeping a food and workout diary, as recommended on March 1st's Healthy Habit tip, but I think I'll just record my food intake, without all the extra information. It will be less tedious if I just record the Nutritional Facts in the tracker and not in the diary. =)

As for my observations on my food in take thus far, I'm still seemingly having issues with a few things. I have been a calorie counter since my early teen years and nutritional facts have been my friends and I cook so clean while at home, but dine in experiences can be rough. Most restaurants have wonderful choices of vegetables, since I work midnights, late evenings are usually my dine in times, but at Denny's where I work, we often don't have vegetables after 10 pm except for cucumbers, baby carrots and tomatoes. I'm not much of a fruit fan, so I usually end up with cottage cheese and tomatoes or rice and mushrooms. I'm babbling on about things like this because I'm getting tired of making the same choices. White rice isn't really a good idea, but it's not fried. Think maybe I should make a list of healthy side alternatives for when I go to work or dine in there?

I woke up late today, going to bed exhausted after work around 8am and getting up after 5pm, so I was behind a lot today. It was my fault I didn't set an alarm, so I was running around to get ready and make my considered lunch before our 9:40 showing of Alice in 3D. Lunch consisted of grilled chicken and veggie wheat wraps with low fat yogurt and fruit, all of which I prepared for my boyfriend and I to eat together at his house, 30 minutes away. Needless to say, I didn't get in my strength training and I had to purposely skip my cardio since my ankle has been hurting a considerable amount, probably from the force of jumps I try and avoid on Dance Dance Revolution.

I have been feeling wonderful since my healthy lifestyle plan began March 1st, but I really hope I don't make missing my workouts a habit. I need them! Though, I plan on making them up tomorrow. I just have to give my ankle a day to relax. =)

Feb. 3rd, 2010

Murdered

Temporarily Handicapped

I've slept all night but I feel tired. I've showered and brushed my teeth, but I just feel like I can't get clean. My foot is swollen and I limp when I walk, not even mentioning how ridiculous I look with a crutch. A crutch? Really? I'm not disabled... in a week it will be gone, and this ridiculous stand still in life will be gone, but some people don't have the same luck.
I hobbled over to the bathroom this morning, after taking 5 minutes to reach the top of the stair case, and I caught myself in the mirror. ...I looked horrible. My hair's a mess, haven't straightened it since my sprained ankle. I didn't have a bra on, and that alone is enough to make you feel old and less perky. My shirt was half risen that showed my not so big, but annoying fat I can't motivate myself to lose with this damned foot. I looked weak as I shuffled in an attempt to just walk as I normally do. The pain gets stronger as I try to fluctuate the pressure from my heal to my toes, swelling in a strange area underneath my ankle that prevents me from stepping down on the inside of my foot.
I haven't felt much motivation for homework or studying, even though I'm out with a doctor's excuse from work until Monday and have already been off since Wednesday. Well, besides the 4 hour servitality (combining service and hospitality) meeting, but I didn't work a normal shift following. I am hoping that with doctoring my foot with what's natural, plus information I received from the doctor as well as a passing student, this way I can try and work again starting Saturday. As much as it's strange to say it, I'll have 4 lovely nights of work. Having no money is not at all fun.
Still, you would think that with my down time I'd at least want to get my studying in and catch up on my homework. I feel more unmotivated and unsatisfied than ever. My room is in a basement and when I'm actually home, I dread even having to walk down those scary old wooden stairs. I can just picture myself falling head first right to my slow, unconscious death. ...What a pleasant image, right?
Luckily, I don't have to bare this burden alone. I have a wonderful guy who has been helping me and taking care of me in my time of need, which is way more than I can say for some people. I'm actually laying in his bed as I type while he's at school, but I'm still wondering why he let me continue sleeping. His dad doesn't like when I stay here without him. Oh, well. In the freshest and most painful time over the weekend, He's propped up my foot and put ice on my foot, bandaged it when I needed it, helped me get around when I didn't have the crutch, bought and made me lunch several times and simply just let me rest next to him as he played Mass Effect 2. I do love video games, playing them or just watching someone else.
In the back of my mind, though I try and expel it as to not dwell, I think about the people with disabilities that will remain with them for life. Such as the man from Egypt in my Modern Operating Systems class who I just recently noticed has 2 fake appendages for one of his arms as well as legs. I'm sure they become accustomed to their modified ways of living, but being on campus with a crutch for just two days is almost more than enough attention I'd ever want to see from strangers. Either they stare at me as if I have a third leg or their very friendly and open doors for me. I let my spite take me over sometimes for the issue that they could only be faking their kindness because of my crutch, and I believe they'd never glance in my direction if I was perfectly fine. I don't say this to them, I just smile, giggle and give hem my humble gratitude so they know that I'm fine and don't need special treatment just because it looks like I have a problem. Though, if I do try and put myself in their shoes, I'd probably do the same thing. Not look at them any different, but just help out for the common good. This is the thought that keeps me from just leaving the crutch in the car. Some people generally have good hearts, as difficult as it is to believe in modern day's society. Maybe it's just that the good is shadowed by all the bad in the world.

Feb. 2nd, 2010

Murdered

Last night's dream: Finding Home.

The first thing that happened was a brief flashback of a family. It was a small happy family of three, consisting of a mother and father that I never saw the details of, and a small daughter with blond hair, seemingly between the ages of ten and twelve. She was dressed in an ankle long short sleeved white dress with her hair pulled back in a low style pony tail. I do believe there was also a light blue ribbon tying back her hair and it matched the ribbon around her waist on the dress, but the colors in the dream were faded like a sepia styled photograph. They lived in an old style, very large house composed of wooden walls and doors that seemed to go on forever. The parents knew it was the young girl's birthday, but they wanted her to think they forgot and wanted to wish her a happy birthday by playing a game and telling her while they were inside a candle-lit closet that they all stored their clothes with doors that slid open in folds. Something happened, though, and before they ever even got to play the game, the family died in that house. Suddenly, I came to, and I was the ghost of the young girl. I walked through the house trying to find my parents, but I knew something evil was in the old and now dusty and empty house. I was frightened, but I wouldn't cry, I knew I was already dead. I started hearing a deranged voice in the house luring me from room to room. I couldn't make out what it was saying, but I let it guide me to the closet where I opened the folding doors and climbed inside and backed up against he left side of the wall. The only thing remaining in the closet was a light blue-gray flannel shirt of my father's on the left side where I was leaned and a piece of apparel of my mother's on the right, but I couldn't see the details of it in the dark. The voice, in its whispers,continued on and I couldn't make out the words, but it informed me somehow subconsciously that these were the only remaining pieces of my parents and I'd never find them. It then informed me of their plan for my birthday and I felt sorrow since I died angry at them for forgetting. I knew I had to find them. The walls changed and I was in an underground lake, so it seemed, but the water was black and thick like liquid darkness mixed with tar. Then the figure of the man of the voice appeared high up, and I realized I was standing on a wooden dock and there was a great light of some sort coming from the right of us. This angry looking man peered down at me with his arms open and he informed me without speaking that if I wanted to find my parents I had to complete the tiled path across the lake, and that once I began the tiles there was no turning back. I had to make it across and succeed, or not make it there and be swallowed by the darkness below. {he man looked like a cross between Kratos (God of War) and Fred (Batman Arkham Asylum)} I noticed there were others attempting the path, but I watched as it switched to an 8-bit Nintendo screen version as the little characters left the dock and just started disappearing. It switched back to reality and I was at the end of the dock, staring at the white tiles of various sizes across the lake leading to the white light. I stepped on the first tile, no bigger than a bathroom tile, and it sunk and rose as it adjusted my weight. I was afraid, but I needed to find my parents.I continued on, trying to see whether I should hop from tile to tile or step slowly. The bigger ones were easier to hop on, but I had to take it slow with the small tiles. Half way through, the tiles started displaying pictures, memories and designs as I stepped on them. Each was different than the last. The longest tiles displayed very abstract, dull, red and gray design that was a save point so I couldn't go back. You could stand and recuperate on it to get a hold of yourself. Another girl was hysterically running back across the tiles, very uncoordinated and crying, and I grabbed her wrist and looked at her without speaking, and let her know that she couldn't go back or she'll be lost in the darkness. I knew she needed to find her grandmother. I watched I watched as she continued on ahead of me, but her foot slipped off the tile and she was sucked into the darkness. I looked down at my tile and said, "Oh, great." as a sepia photo of the girl and her grandmother appeared under my foot on the tile that overlapped another tile.

~~~End.

Jun. 13th, 2009

Murdered

These are the words to our song.

Finally got my hair cut the way I wanted to. I asked for a dramatically choppy/layered hair style... and she did! I love how light it is and the layers are uber cute. I had a problem with the bangs, but I just fixed them myself. Totally love it so much better now. Lolz. It's actually a kind of scene hair cut, but I have to admit that I really like it. I just need the color done. I'll probably just bleach out the bottom layer again since I already dyed the top layer black again.

Other than my ridiculous break down the other day, nothing too dramatic has occurred. With the breakdown, probably a mix of pushing myself too hard, holding back deep emotions and PMS, I called Cliff and we sat at Eat N Park and just talked and I felt so much better. There was alot of sex talk, too. It's kind of funny how absolutely comfortable I am talking about anything and everything that has to do with sex. I don't care who you are, I love hearing interesting sex stories... details and all! I've been that way for so long though. A little scary, yes, but I just explore the natural curiosity of sex more than some. Lolz.

Oh! Also. Another flat tire happened today. Surprising huh? This time it was the right rear. Apparently besides the 3 nails stuck deep into my tires, they're dry rotting. I'm going to have to change the other 3 tires too then. Poo. Thank goodness for amazing friends though. OC actually came out and took my tire off and replaced it for me. He's so awesome!

Ultimately I want to see the new Tim Burton movie coming out on 9/9/09 called "9". It'd be am awesome birthday gift!!! My birthday is the 9/3 if no one knew. XD Can't apparently stream the video, but here's the link to preview it :

9

Guess I'm out of updates. Le blah. <3

Jun. 10th, 2009

Murdered

You haven't got forever.

I am trying so hard to not let my desire to run away from every caring thing get the best of me.

Let me explain...

Time and the events taking place around me are setting me up for a great fall. Correction - Have set me up and am now falling. I'm struggling so hard with these hardships and trying to better myself in every aspect possible. Even if I did not come from a priviledged lifestyle doesn't mean my life can't be rewarding. I desperately want to make it so. I'm sitting and watching my friends push through their lives successfully... and seeming with the greatest of ease, but only because I see the pride in the way their lives are turning out. They're putting out the effort and energy to improve. I envy that so much. So so much.

Since I lost my father, prison not death, I feel like everything is falling all around me. I was not super close to him, but I was not close to anybody. I preferred it that way... other than lovers though. For some reason I'm ridiculously close to lovers. Anyway, I run away from home. Not necessarily a literal sense, but it pretty much is the same concept. I leave as much as possible... every waking opportunity unless I know I have things to do or no where else to sleep. I hate to say it, but I'm miserable at home. Without my father's presence I fear terrible things for my siblings... and I hate to say I could see the worst happening. Instead of trying to help, which fails when I try, I just... leave. I leave them behind. I w ant to take my family away from this place... away from this neighborhood and area... but a part of me feels like the damage is so strong that it will most likely travel with us. It makes me wonder if we will ever pull out of this... pull us back together... Something to advance from this stage.

I feel like it couldn't get any worse off for me. Except losing Graham. Strangely though, A part of me has been secretly preparing me for that moment in case it ever presents itself. I'll be ready to let him go. ...Is it sad to think about breaking up with someone just because you feel as if you don't make them happy? ...I wonder if I truly do make him happy at all. His smile is so rare, and I see why he hides it. When he hides it he's hollow. You can't see anything he's feeling, you can only see the shell. When he smiles though, I can see so much life and I feel so much more strongly for him. And I adore him, I do. I just ... decide not to tell him sometimes. I fear I'll lose my independence again. He doesn't say much, though. About us I only ever hear that we're "Fine". He loves to use that word. But fine is just so... neutral. It drives me insane. Things were so amazing when it all started out, but I can't help but wonder what he's thinking... and god would I love to know what he's feeling. I honestly question if I'm anything special... If I make him happy. If I don't make him happy enough... I don't want to waste his time. I really feel like i'm talking to a wall sometime. I just want to reach in and touch the person inside and see if I can be a part of those feelings. I have time though, and I know I'm a horrible over thinking person, but relationships mean alot to me. I almost feel weak when I admit to myself my sincerest feelings about him. Like I'm letting myself fall more into him without much of anything in return. Hopefully I'll realize a turning point ... and stop making up so many difficult thoughts in my head. I know he cares, and he reassures me that I'm always welcome at his house. I just want to truly communicate.

I guess I never really learned to be happy alone. Does anyone?

Everybody wants to be happy. I know that's what I want and I'm human just like everyone else. But I can't be happy until I see some kind of production with myself. I honestly realized tonight that I've truly lost myself. I rarely write, can't stay interested enough to read a whole chapter, have drawn only a few doodles all together..... I've lost my creative freedom. It scares me to think there's no pieces of my mind lying around me... there's nothing to look at or read to remind me - or show anyone else. There's no expression of my being... and that's horrible. I was always totally for self-expression. I need to get myself back. Stop hiding and running away from the world... and it all starts with LJ. It's a window to my soul, and I want to express more of myself again.

May. 9th, 2009

Murdered

Le blah...

So it's like 6 am and I'm sitting in Graham's basement living room using his computer and hacking up my lungs. I was trying to sleep, but I just kept coughing and I think the coffee this time actually is keeping me awake, which is strange cause I usually only get a motivational boost from coffee... not a sleep reducer. I was concerned that Graham could hear me coughing so I've decided to sleep on the couch so not to ruin his sleep. ...Sad memories of the past just now... like Mark getting so mad at me for being sick and coughing that I'd have to go to the couch.... God I love Graham.

I could take some more Excedrin, but hey! I bought the one with caffeine in it. Lolz. I'm also extremely hungry.... which is odd and can't think of anyway to cure it. I could leave and get food - but I most likely won't feel welcomed back. He'd be asleep, but I'm always afraid his dad will be home when I just walk into the door one day... which is seemingly fine but I don't want his dad thinking I'm trying to live here cause I'm hear a lot.

Tummy grumble......

ALSO! I can't breathe.


Life is yucky atm. I feel yucky.

But I did start exercising and eating healthier again! Graham loves the way I look, but I still need to improve myself for me... I want to feel good about helping my body.

Yay pep type.

Ah well... guess should try and get some sleep soon.

<3

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